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As a newspaper editor, I lay awake some nights thinking about headlines.

No, I do not write headlines while in the comfort of my bed. Rather, I will recall the ones I wrote in the most current edition of this newspaper and hope they are correct. My worst nightmare is a headline that due to its inaccuracy or misspelling detracts from the substance of the story.

But there are headlines that slip past even the most savvy editors. Listed below are a few funny headlines (thanks to boredpanda.com for these nuggets) with my thoughts on each in parenthesis:

‘We hate math,’ say 4 in 10 – a majority of Americans (I hope you caught that slip of the tongue.)

Breathing oxygen linked to staying alive (well, duh!!)

Marijuana issue sent to a joint committee (but they didn’t inhale…lol!!)

China may be using sea to hide its submarines (who in their right mind would think to look there?)

Princess Diana was still alive hours before she died (Note: this story was listed as an “exclusive to all newspapers”….I can only hope the copy editors at those other publications changed the headline.)

Man kills himself and runs away (this headline defies all odds.)

Nuclear explosion would be a disaster (well, yes it would!)

World Bank says poor need more money (Brainiacs at work!!)

Bugs flying around with wings are flying bugs (Well, that explains that!)

Man arrested for everything (His neighbors must feel much safer now.)

Bridges help people cross rivers (So that’s why millions of our taxpayer dollars are used to build those things!)

Missippi’s literacy program shows improvement (I didn’t change the spelling of the state; the copy editor needs to enroll in that program.)

Northfield community plans to plan strategic plan (Note to all editors: let’s plan a planning meeting to study plans on developing a plan for the best plan to improve headline writing.)

Rooms with broken air conditioners are hot (I kept wondering why the room was so uncomfortable!)

State population to double by 2040; babies to blame (Yea…they’re cute and cuddly now, but you just wait!!)

Greenland meteorite may be from outer space (So that’s where it came from!)

Survey finds fewer deer after hunt (Who would want to take part in a survey after being shot at?)

Woman missing since she got lost (This headline is so dumb that even I’m at a lost for words!)

Most earthquake damage is caused by shaking (And I thought is was the ground splitting wide open and devouring everything in sight!)

Students cook and serve grandparents (Wonder if maw and paw were tasty?)

Scientists to kill ducks to see why they’re dying (Gee, I wonder what they’ll discover?)

Yellow object spotted in sky (Let me guess, it was either a UFO or that big bright thing that rises every morning in the east and sets in the west later that afternoon.)

Was bank robber a he or she? Breasts might be a clue (Hope that answers the question posed in the headline.)

Funny words in print (or the way we interpret them) are not just restricted to newspaper headlines. Here’s a sampling of church bulletin “boo-boos”:

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” (the writer of this church bulletin forgot the o) to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Hope ya’ll enjoyed these as much as I did.

 

Cal Bryant is the Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications. Contact him at cal.bryant@r-cnews.com or 252-332-7207