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I’m a firm believer that a strong, fact-based headline on a news story is what draws a reader in.

But what if that headline is so hilarious that it becomes a “must read story”….that is after you stop laughing long enough to read the ensuing words.

Every year or so I search the worldwide web in an effort to locate funny headlines or those with misspelled words. You hopefully will not find any of the latter in newspapers printed by Roanoke-Chowan Publications. However, as an editor, I feel obliged to share these knee-slapping headlines printed by other newspapers.

From Kanston, Maryland: Cows lose their jobs as milk prices drop. Gee, I wonder where in the world will we now get our milk!

From Laguna Beach, California: City Council runs out of time to discuss shorter meetings. Oh, well, perhaps they can take this issue under consideration at their next meeting…of course if there’s time to do so.

This one really isn’t funny, but rather thought-provoking. From Santa Fe, Texas: Man accused of killing lawyer receives new attorney. I sure would feel mighty uncomfortable being that second guy.

From Lancaster, Pennsylvania: Mayor Parris to homeless: “Go home.” Hey, Mr. Mayor, I think it’s kind of hard to go home when you don’t have one….hence the title, homeless.

This headline didn’t show the exact location of where the newspaper was published: Missippi’s literacy program shows improvement. Perhaps the copy editor of this publication skipped his or her literacy classes. Note: I spelled Missippi’s just as it appeared in their headline.

From Lehigh Valley, Pennsylvania: Homicide victims rarely talk to the police. In those cases when they do take the opportunity to communicate, does it come via a Ouija Board?

From South Haven, Michigan: City unsure why sewer smells. Pick me, pick me, pick me…I know, I know, I know!

A headline from an unknown publication reads: Forecasters call for weather on Monday. Is it me, or is there a word missing before weather or is it just a general observation regarding some type of weather will be observed that particular day?

Another interesting headline from an unknown publication: Death is nation’s top killer. Well, at least the headline is accurate.

From Stettler (Alberta, Canada): Man eats underwear to beat breathalyzer. If he was a large man, does that qualify as a supersized meal?

From Redwood County, Minnesota: Bugs flying around with wings are flying bugs. I’m so glad this age old question has finally been answered!

From Los Angeles, California: Chick accuses male colleagues of sexism. This is a well-crafted headline as the accusation came from Los Angeles City Councilwoman Laura Chick.

This one also comes from an unidentified publication, but it reminds me of a tabloid headline: Exclusive – Princess Diana was still alive hours before she died. I would assume the same thing could be said for all human beings prior to taking their final breath.

From yet another unknown publication: Midget sues grocer; cites belittling remarks. Upon reading the story, it appears the lawsuit had nothing to do with belittling remarks. Rather, the young man (described as a teenager standing 4 feet, 4 inches tall) sought legal action after being asked to place stock on upper shelves of the store without the use of a ladder.

From Norton, Maine: Police arrest everyone on February

22nd. This is either a tiny town with a small number of inhabitants or it’s full of criminals.

From New Boston, Texas: Hooker named Lay Person of the Year. We’re all hoping that the winner’s last name is Hooker.

From somewhere in Australia: Army vehicle disappears. You would have to read the story to fully appreciate this headline. It appears the vehicle “disappeared” after being painted camouflage.

From Eugene, Oregon: County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds. My suggestion to the leaders of that county…save that taxpayer money as the story itself (which came at no cost) should suffice for the general public to know that their local government is short of money.

This headline is from an unidentified publication: Volunteers search for old Civil War planes. I hope they do not locate any as that discovery would cause North Carolina to lose its national identity as the first in flight.

Here’s one from a police blotter: 5 pm – Police were called to Market Square for a report about a “suspicious coin.” Investigating officer reported it was a quarter. Someone must have missed that day in school where the teacher went over coin identification.

Hilarious things can be found elsewhere in a newspaper. This one was spotted on a Classifieds page: FOR SALE – collection of old people. Call XXX-XXX-XXXX. If old folks are considered antiques, then we should be able to fetch a handsome sum of money.

Here’s another funny one from the Help Wanted section: Waitress Needed. Must be 18 years old with 20 years experience. Apply in person. I’m not very good at math, but there’s something about this ad that just doesn’t add up!

If you want to read something very strange….you’ve reach the part of the column where I can oblige your wish. Here’s perhaps the strangest classified ad of all time:

WANTED: Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. You’ll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety is not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.

Honestly, I struggle to find the right words on how to properly address that ad. All I can say it came from someone in California and I’ll leave it at that.

And, finally, even the TV news folks make glaring mistakes. This one is from CNN: ISIS advancing on two fonts. Run for your lives Times New Roman and Garamond Bold Condensed!

Cal Bryant is the Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications. Contact him at cal.bryant@r-cnews.com or 252-332-7207.