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Bold and brazen….but when it comes to brain cells, they come up far short of a full load.

I make it a habit from time to time to scan the worldwide web seeking stories of dastardly deeds that are sometimes more laughable than criminal. I hit the proverbial jackpot in one keystroke this past weekend as a first-time visitor to the police1.com website. They listed their top 10 dumbest criminals of 2024, which I’m sharing in my column today.

Checking in at #10 is a story about a Florida man who brazenly stated “you better have your doors locked – I like to steal cars.”

Apparently, he is a man of his word.

When a Marion County deputy responded to a call, the self-proclaimed car thief hopped behind the wheel of the law enforcement vehicle and took off, prompting a chase that finally ended with a successful PIT maneuver.

At #9 is a story out of Yavapai County in Arizona. The following is a reprint of a Facebook post from the sheriff’s office in that county:

“On Saturday afternoon, deputies received a call about a possible DUI driver on Iron Springs Road. While looking for the car, a deputy was driving southbound into Skull Valley when the suspect’s vehicle, traveling in the opposite direction, swerved off the road at the bridge and struck a guardrail, causing damage and blocking the roadway.

“When the deputy approached the vehicle he saw that the driver, and the only occupant, was trying to get his finger out of a White Claw [alcoholic beverage] can. The driver was arrested and charged with DUI Slightest, DUI, Extreme DUI, Super-Extreme DUI, Endangerment per DV, and Criminal Damage against YC Public Works. It was very fortunate that no one was hurt or killed by this driver. If you see a possible DUI driver, don’t hesitate to call the Sheriff’s Office.”

The #8 story, in my opinion, should have been considered for the number one most hilarious story. It comes out of Portland, Oregon where police, performing what was a routine traffic stop, learned that the vehicle was reportedly stolen. That gave them the right to search the vehicle where they found a loaded revolver and a bag that was labeled, in huge bold letters: Definitely not a bag full of drugs.

Well, guess what, it was a bag full of illegal drugs, to include fentanyl and meth.

I wonder if the person, once arrested, was led to a jail cell that had a sign on the door that read: This is not a jail cell.

An Ohio man’s exploits were ranked as the #7 dumb crook story of the year. He allegedly broke into a pet store freed dogs, birds, ferrets, rabbits and gerbils, that were found roaming inside and outside the store once police arrived on the scene.

But that’s not all to this story. Upon searching the suspect, police found several gerbils in his pants. That’s a bit on the weird side!!

At number six on the list is the story of a fan attending a pro baseball game in Cincinnati. The man left his seat and ran onto the field where he attempted a “fist bump” with one of the outfielders and then performed an acrobatic backflip.

For his efforts, the fan was tased by a police officer and arrested for criminal trespassing and obstructing official business.

A story out of Escambia County, Florida is listed as #5 on the list. According to police1.com, the man, who was wanted for multiple felonies, tried to elude arrest by hiding inside a clothes dryer.

Described as looking “guilty, embarrassed and warm,” deputies were able to remove the man out of the dryer, pulling him out “one limb at a time,” along with dryer sheets, mismatched socks and a wrinkled Star Wars shirt.

“While the sheriff’s office had fun with the quirky arrest, they reminded everyone the charges remain allegations — free of static cling, of course,” reported police1.com.

Dumb crook news story #4 also comes out of Florida (I’m beginning to see a pattern here of the Sunshine State having an overabundance of such crazy criminals). There, in Lakeport, Florida, a man tried to steal a boat, but when that effort failed, he attempted to elude being caught by dressing as a woman – complete with a light blue, feather-patterned dress, a white cardigan, oversized sunglasses, and a blonde wig.

It was not revealed in the story if the items he was wearing were found in the boat or if he just carries them around in case he needs a quick disguise.

In Vancouver, Washington, a man that attempted a daring escape from police checks in at number three on the list. He chose to scale across an overhead cable in an effort to escape, but that didn’t work too well. Not only does a man dangling high the ground draw a lot of attention, but so did the fact that he somehow managed to throw some bricks and bust a few windows.

Story number two also involves activity high off the ground.

In Riverview, Florida (yep, Florida again), a man scaled a cell tower and livestreamed the stunt. Deputies with the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office, guided by an aviation unit, were able to talk the man down and took him into custody once he safely reached the ground.

And, laying claim to the number one police1.com dumb crook story of the year is the story of an Arizona thief.

On the day of his release from prison, a 23-year-old man decided that the easiest way to get back home was to steal a vehicle. However, he didn’t steal only one vehicle, but rather an 18-wheeler loaded with 10 Corvettes valued at over $1.2 million.

The thief befriended the truck driver at a truck stop and then stole his big rig. The police tracked down the stolen truck (and its precious cargo) and arrested him on multiple felony charges. The Corvettes were not damaged.

I’m looking forward to see who makes this list for 2025!

Cal Bryant is the Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications. Contact him at cal.bryant@r-cnews.com or 252-332-7207.