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If you look at my waistline it becomes extremely obvious that I love to eat.

However, eating is the easiest part of a meal. Preparing the food is on a whole different level, especially for someone like me who isn’t very comfortable standing in front of a stove.

That’s not to say I’m a terrible cook. I could survive by eating what I prepare, but don’t count on me when it comes to cooking up a pot of fresh vegetables. I can open a can and heat ‘em up in the microwave, but the flavor part will be kind’a bland without a good piece of seasoning meat.

And don’t expect me to prepare dessert from scratch. If you want me to serve up banana pudding, apple pie, pecan pie, chocolate mousse, brownies, or cookies, expect them to come from the frozen foods section of Piggly Wiggly.

I do feel comfortable behind a charcoal grill. My family says I do a pretty good job with steaks, where prior to throwing 12-to-16 ounce ribeyes on a hot grill, I rub them down about two hours earlier with soy sauce and garlic salt.

I also can grill pork chops and chicken, basting those with Deborah’s homemade barbeque sauce or using a jar of Sweet Baby Rays BBQ sauce.

Inside, I can toss a few hand-pattied hamburgers on the George Forman Grill or boil up a few hot dogs on the stove. But don’t count on me to prepare the homemade chili that goes well with the burgers and dogs. The closest you’ll get from me when it comes to chili is dumping a store-bought can into a pot on the stove.

Pizza is another item on my short list of things I can prepare. But my version of homemade pizza comes already prepared in a box “fresh” from my freezer. From there all I have to do is pre-heat the oven to 350 degrees and bake it for about 20 minutes or so. I’ve always believed that the perfect seven-course meal is a pizza and a six-pack of beer.

I guess I didn’t pay close attention when my now late sister Cindy prepared a homemade pizza. She was great at that, even preparing the dough and fixing all the toppings by hand.

Other than that, there’s not a lot of other menu items I would trust myself to prepare and serve to others. I can fix popcorn (not the microwave kind…but rather in an old-fashioned popper). I can fix a mean sandwich and can follow the directions to prepare Hamburger Helper (my favorites are Cheeseburger Macaroni and Beef Stroganoff). And I’m okay when it comes to simple things such as fixing breakfast…bacon (or pork sausage – patty or link), eggs, grits, and toast.

For us folks below the Mason-Dixon Line, preparing and eating grits are embedded in our brains at a young age.

Some folks, perhaps most living in the New England states, believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by children by shaking that form of vegetation after spreading sheets on the ground around them.

While we know that grits are made from coarsely ground white corn, there are lies spread by Communists and terrorists that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely grits. Southerners disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat grits without these key ingredients.

Yankees have attempted to create a synthetic grits. As far as we Southerners can tell, the key ingredients of these fake grits are Elmer’s Glue and shredded Styrofoam. Please note that synthetic grits have been shown to cause nausea and can leave you with unsightly warts and other weird bumps.

There are four basic varieties of grits: traditional stone-ground, quick-cooking, instant, and hominy. Beware that most Southerners frown on instant grits.

For those wondering how to prepare this delightful delicacy, for a single serving you need to boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter and add five tablespoons of grits. Reduce to a simmer and allow the grits to soak up all the water. When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, they are ready to serve.

If you want to add a slice of heaven to your grits, prepare some red eye gravy. Simply fry some salt cured country ham in cast-iron pan. Remove the ham when done and add black coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes. Not only is red eye gravy great on grits, but biscuits as well.

Never ever add any type of syrup to your grits. Never add margarine, only use real butter. The butter should cause the grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your grits….if the colors match then you have the correct amount of butter.

Another big “no-no” when eating grits is the use of a spoon. A fork does just fine as your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.

Don’t forget to add salt to your grits. The correct ratio of grit to salt is 10:1. Therefore for every 10 grits you should have one grain of salt.

And always remember to say the following blessing before eating grits:

“May the Lord bless these grits;

May Yankees never get the recipe;

May I eat grits each day while living; and

May I die while eating grits.

Amen.”

And, for those health conscious folks, grits, as whole grains or enriched varieties, contain folate, which helps prevent birth defects and may also lower the risk of heart disease and cancer.

Cal Bryant is the Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications. Contact him at cal.bryant@r-cnews.com or 252-332-7207.