It’s a boy!

I know I am supposed to act like it doesn’t matter whether my wife is pregnant with a boy or a girl. I know that the only thing that is supposed to be important to me is that my baby is healthy.

Ten fingers? Check.  Ten toes? Check. Everything is ok!

The truth is, though, it does matter.

Before I get a bunch of angry e-mails from everyone allow me to explain myself.

I know that the baby my wife gives birth to, the baby I will hold for the first time will be the exact baby I wanted. Nine fingers, eleven toes, no penis or big nose, I am going to be one proud papa.

Having said that I will admit I was terrified at the thought of having a girl.

I have a niece, her name is Amber. I love Amber very much and I know my brother would not trade her for all the world’s gold.  The problem with Amber though is that she insisted on growing up.

Amber is 13, but looks 19. Amber is like most teenage girls and likes attention from boys. Amber is getting attention from men and my brother is getting an ulcer. This does not sound appealing to me.

I can be stubborn and hard headed, most anyone that has ever dated me can tell you that. They will also probably admit to you that I am a sucker when it comes to women crying. At the sight of tears falling down a woman’s face I instantly transform from a man to a spineless boy who will desperately do anything to make her stop crying.

I can only imagine what that would be like if it were my own daughter. She would be a daddy’s girl for certain and my ability to tell her no would be much like my ability to fly, nonexistent.

My wife would hate me, but my daughter would love me. I would be broke, exhausted and eventually alone because she, much like my niece, would eventually start looking for love from someone other than Mom and Dad.

I would spoil a daughter rotten and believe everything she ever tells me. She would be a girl and everything would be wonderful all the time and then she would insist on growing up like Amber did and start becoming a young woman. That would ruin everything.

She would start thinking like a woman and start talking like a woman and if history and experience has taught me anything it is that I do not understand women.

If all of that wasn’t enough, every parent I have talked to that has boys and girls has told me that boys are much easier to raise.

I hope you don’t think less of me for being honest. I wouldn’t prefer a boy because I would love him more, that is ridiculous. I prefer a boy because girls are scary. Just ask my brother.

David Friedman is a long-time contributor to Roanoke-Chowan Publications. A Bertie High School graduate, he and his wife currently reside in Wilmington. David can be reached via e-mail at dave@gate811.net.